Setting Goals for Your Dating Life

Exercise 2: How to Achieve Your Goal
What is a goal? It’s a desired outcome; something you’re striving for; something you want; something you are willing to lend energy to—a result, an achievement to which you can point—real and unmistakable. You want to improve your quality of life by reaching your goal. Get a piece of paper and search your soul for answers to these exercises then write them down.

1. What is your overall purpose in getting into the dating scene, your long-range hope for yourself?

Is it to get married to a person you really love—and like—unconditionally, who, in return, will love you in the same way, enough to make a life-long commitment?

When I started writing the singles book in early 2004, my attitude towards dating changed from passive to active. I had been on an 8-year hiatus from dating. I am actively making an effort to find a spouse. My goal was to get married before I turn 50 (June, 2005). Time-wise, it was doable. I felt that if I found the right person, I would know it and if all worked well, I’d be engaged in six months and married in another six.

It wasn’t impossible, just a challenge. I knew the type of person that I wanted and I was going to the best places where I have the greatest chances of finding him. I was being creative on ways to meet new people and opening myself to the people around me who may be potential dates whom I had never considered before. Yes, it is frustrating at times, but I look to the Lord for guidance and strength and I hope and pray that I will recognize my soul mate when I find him.

(2009 Update: I’m 54 and still single.)

Or is your goal to find a person you can love who loves you also, who wants to share companionship but not live together or get married?

At the same time I decide to get back into the dating scene, friend of mine, a widow for two years, finally decided she was ready to start going out and getting into the dating scene. Problem was that she married her husband of thirty-something years right after high school. She never had any “dating” experience.

Many women in their 40’s and 50’s are finding themselves in similar situations—whether it is from the death of a spouse or divorce. You feel like a 20-year-old, dropped into this strange world called the “dating scene.” Plus, you are just starting to discover who you are as a single person and enjoying it. You’re thinking of yourself as “I”—no longer a part of a “we.” You’re finding new things to enjoy, but you also feel the need to share it with someone—exploring and experimenting on who you are, what you like and don’t like and what you can do, what you need and don’t need.

As you become more independent, you begin looking for more in your relationships. But, then you say, “I don’t want to get married, yet. I just started to live as a single person.” You want companionship, but not commitment. That’s fine, if you express that when you first meet someone. When you place an ad, you need to indicate that you want a casual dating relationship or just friendship. That way, only people who are looking for the same thing will contact you.

2. Accept life as it is and try to make it better. Learn from the mistakes you have made in the past by making a statement regarding each mistake that you wish to correct.

What are your personal goals? Here are some suggestions:
To increase my own personal chances of finding love.
To meet more people no matter what.
To take note of my hesitancy and how it affects what I do.
To start doing things right now to search for love and not wait until I’m in a better place.
To believe that somewhere out there, God has the right person for me.
To stop my fears from manipulating my love life.
To work enthusiastically on my self-esteem.
To stick to my principles.

3. Rank your goals in the order in which you believe they will help you obtain your overall purpose.

Common sense will tell you that certain goals must be reached before you can tackle others. For instance, you need to go out and start meeting new people if you’re going to run into that person that God has waiting for you. All goals are important—don’t eliminate any of them. Now, write each of your first three goals at the top of a clean page. These are now your main objectives.

4. Goals are attained by creating stages of specific transitional objectives—one step at a time. To attain your aspirations, these objectives must meet certain conditions: Each objective must be:

Manageable – The objective must be realistic for you. Choose a small step that you know for sure that you are willing and actually able to do, and that, knowing yourself as you do, you believe has a good chance of actually being accomplished—like going to a church singles group before diving head first into the online dating scene.

Meaningful – Each objective must be significant enough that accomplishing it makes you feel good and gives you a sense of progress. Don’t set up a task so irrelevant that it is meaningless. Attach positive values to each task.

Measurable – Your objective must be both explicit and attainable in a certain period of time so that you will know with certainty when you have or have not achieved it. Like “I will try to go to at least three singles events by the end of this month.”

Monitored – You need to put your objective deadline on your calendar and check it often to see whether you have achieved your objective. You can also get friends, family or members of a support group to help you do this. In addition, you need to evaluate your progress and have a friend who will encourage you in your efforts. However, don’t allow negative people to hold you back. Surround yourself with friends who think positive.

If you have a bad day, stay focused on what your goal is and where you want to be. Think of where you’re going, not where you are today. Consider the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

Get Enthusiastic! This is the first day of the rest of your life! Pray. Have faith. Go for it! Success comes in cans; failure comes in can’ts.

Read Risk

If you want to be able to hear what God's will for your life is, you need to have a relationship with Him and His Son, Jesus.

Click here to learn how to have a relationship with God and Christ.

God Bless,

Giselle
http://www.giselleaguiar.com/
Phoenix Singles Examiner

Technorati Tags: dating,goals,marriage,singles,single living,relationships,widow,divorce,love,romance,advice,Christianity,Christian singles

Ask and You Shall Receive

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” ~ Matthew 7:7

It’s true. It works. But sometimes God blesses us by not answering our prayers exactly.

This “Prayer of an Unknown Confederate Soldier” was part of a letter found on the body of a Confederate soldier killed in the line of duty:

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.
I was made weak , that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things.
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy.
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for – but everything that I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am among all men, most richly blessed.

It’s easy to tell God what we want – a miracle, a spouse, things, money, a new car, a better job, a job -period and we also tell Him how exactly we want it delivered.

Have you ever bargained with God? “Oh, God, if I win the lottery I’ll give half to charity!”

It doesn’t work that way.

Our Creator has his own purposes for us. Many times it’s just to teach us that He is in Control. No matter what our will is, it’s His Will that wins in the end.

We need to stop ignoring God.

Click here to get to know God personally.

God Bless,
Giselle
http://www.giselleaguiar.com/
Phoenix Singles Examiner

Know Thyself

Note: This is an exercise in getting to know yourself and what you want. If you haven’t read the previous blogs on What Marriage is Not, please do so before you start this.

Exercise 1: Know Thyself and What Thyself Wants. Now that you know what marriage isn’t, you need to understand why you no longer want to be single. And it had better not be for the reasons mentioned in the previous blogs! Yes, I know you’re busy, but you need to take time each day to pray and to go over your day and examine yourself quietly and calmly giving yourself a space to grow, to change and to find different ways to get what you want.

Some things to think about are:

Who am I?

What am I doing here?

What is the purpose of my life?

What is God’s plan for my life? (That is sometimes not so obvious – I keep asking him and I still don’t know – but I think I’m getting close.)

Is there a reason why I am living, and is there a reason why I am living single?

How much of this is my own creation, and what can I do about it?

This is silly, you may be thinking, “I know who I am.” But, do you really? As mentioned before, you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. And you have to know yourself before you can love yourself.

Some other questions to ask yourself:

Did I achieve everything I wanted to accomplish today?

What did I do to today to accomplish what I want?

How did other people see me today?

How did I see myself today?

What did I do to improve myself or understand myself better today?

How do I feel about myself today?

Did I take time for myself today to plan and then review my day? If not, what got in the way.

Where do I see myself a year from today?

Where do I see myself five years from today?

Where do I see myself ten years from today?

What do I really want, short term and long term?

What am I doing everyday to get it?

What does the future hold for you? God only knows, right? While I lived in Florida, we had some visitors named Andrew, Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne. Needless to say, these hurricanes got in the way of the plans and goals of many people. Everyone had to accept the fact that their world was literally turned upside down and they had to manage to turn it right side up again and get on with their lives.

You may think, “Why should I have plans and goals if life’s going to turn it upside down?” Life is a journey not a destination. If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re going to end up somewhere you don’t want to be.

If you need help in getting to know God and in turn, discover what His will is for your life, first you need to have an intimate relationship with Jesus. Visit this website for answers.

God Bless,

Giselle
http://www.giselleaguiar.com/
Phoenix Singles Examiner

Technorati Tags: love,marriage,relationships,knowing yourself,God,Jesus,romance,soulmate,single living,singles,loneliness,dating

Trusting God

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from the desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. ~ Thomas Merton (Life-Changing Prayers , p 62).

If we have a sincere desire to please God, we cannot go wrong.

Without faith it is impossible to please God, for whoever would approach him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. ~ Hebrews 11:6

How to Know God Personally

God Bless,
Giselle
http://www.giselleaguiar.com/
Phoenix Singles Examiner

Technorati Tags: faith,trust,God,prayer,guidance,help,direction,Jesus Christ

What Marriage Is Not – Part 1

If you're over 30 and never married, more than likely, you've felt the pressure. I overheard my mother talking with a friend regarding their respective single daughters, “I wish they would find good husbands to take care of them...”

My first thought was, “I don’t need a man to take care of me. I can take care of myself.”

It would be nice to have a man take care of me, but that’s not what marriage is all about. It would have been nice to give my mom some grandkids to look after, but we both have come to the realization that was not meant to be. The Rev. Dr. Dan Gilbert, Pastor of Peace Lutheran Church in Palm Bay, FL, gave me a good saying, “If you’re seeking a mate to satisfy your needs, you’re using your mate as an object of your satisfaction rather than as a benefactor of your love.”

All of us singles have pressure coming from somewhere to get married—well-meaning married friends who think we’re missing something and hope to relieve us of our singlehood or that neighbor lady who keeps asking when you’re getting married. Or your own insecurity that keeps hounding at you: What's wrong with me? Am I too fat? Too skinny? Too tall? Too short? Am I not loveable? Why am I not married yet?

If you're still single and starting to get desperate, please, relax. There are several common misconceptions about marriage and loneliness. You need to learn what a spouse can and cannot do for you and you’ll probably avoid a great disaster: a bad marriage. Christians are getting themselves trapped in disastrous marriages all the time. They marry the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. Before you start looking for marriage, you need to know what marriage is not.

Marriage is not a cure for loneliness. Many desperately lonely married people can vouch for that. Many times I have said to myself, “I hate being alone. Everywhere I look, I see couples—on TV, in cars, in restaurants, on the street walking hand-in-hand, couples...couples...couples. They remind me that I am alone. Will I ever find my soul mate?”

Do you ever feel this way? Society puts too much emphasis on meeting a mate. A mate might fill the space in your house, but he can't fill the hole in your heart. God is your cure. Only God can fill the hole in your heart. By your faith in God, you need to believe that you are never alone. God loves you just as you are and He is always with you. You are never alone. Jesus is a friend who walks in when the world has walked out. As the Rev. Robert Shuller said, “I offer you Jesus Christ. Take Him and you’ll have an end to loneliness.”

To receive Christ into your life, pray this prayer wholeheartedly:

Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be. In Jesus' name, Amen.

If you received Jesus into your heart, welcome to the family of God! The following will help you deepen your relationship with Christ:

1. Pray. Just talk to God no matter where you are. He doesn’t care what the words are, just that they are sincere.
2. Read the Bible everyday to learn about Jesus and how to live that pleases God. Start with 1 John, then the Gospel of John, then Philippians.
3. An important part of helping your relationship with Christ grow is to tell others about Him. Demonstrate God’s love and be active in telling others about Jesus.
4. Find a bible-based church and become active getting to know other Christians. Find one with a singles ministry or groups for people your age. Many have groups for different interests. Shop around, but commit yourself to finding one and joining a church family.
(Read the Benefits of a Church Family).

God Bless,
Giselle
Award-Winning Christian Author
http://www.giselleaguiar.com/novel1
Soli Deo Gloria!

Technorati Tags: marriage,love,relationship,loneliness,God,Jesus Christ,dating,romance,finding a mate.

Time on Your Hands

If loneliness is a problem in your life, you may just have too much time on your hands.

Being happy as a single is no accident. The secret is to convert wasted, tentative time to convert it to positive, committed time. Since many singles have time on their hands during evenings, weekends, vacations, it’s easy to turn nonproductive time into a time of growth.

No matter what your business or social schedule is like, taking time every day to review the day and to look at yourself quietly and calmly provides you with a space to grow, to change and to find alternative ways to get what you want.

Some things to contemplate are:

• Who am I?
• What am I doing here?
• What is the purpose of my life?
• What is God’s plan for my life? (that is sometimes not so obvious)
• Is there a reason why I am living, and is there a reason why I am living single?
• How much of this is my own creation, and what can I do about it?

Some of these may seem silly. You may say, "I know who I am." But, do you really? As mentioned before, you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. And you have to know yourself before you can love yourself.

Some other questions to ask yourself:

• What did I want today?
• What did I do to get what I wanted today?
• How did other people see me today?
• How did I see myself today?
• What did I do to improve myself or understand myself better today?
• How do I feel about myself today?
• Where do I see myself a year from today?
• Where do I see myself five years from today?
• Where do I see myself ten years from today?
• What do I really want, short term and long term?
• What am I doing every day to get it?
• Did I take time for myself today to plan and then review my day? If not, what got in the way.

Making the Most Out of Being Single

Creative Outlets in your own home:

• Learning a foreign language
• Playing a musical instrument
• Surfing the Net
• Learning new computer skills
• Reading
• Discovering hidden talents
• Exploring your spirituality
• Gardening – indoors and out

Getting Out – Don’t sit and wait around for things to happen. Mr. or Ms. Right probably won’t just come knocking at your door. You have to go out and meet them

• Take classes
• Volunteer – Free
• Go to the Library – Free
• Go to the park – Free
• Go bike riding – Free
• Get involved in church or community activities

But be careful not to over do it. Taking on too many responsibilities can lead to burn-out. Don’t be desperate to fill in those lonely hours by volunteering for too many projects. Remember, when you volunteer to do something, you are expected to do the job well. If you take on too many projects, your results will be sloppy. It’s better to take on one or two projects and do them well, than to burn yourself out trying to do too much.

Remember, you are NEVER ALONE! God is always with you. Jesus is always walking by your side.

If you don’t have that type of relationship with God and Jesus, then sincerely pray this simple prayer:

Dear Jesus,
I am a sinner and need you in my life. Please forgive me of my sins. I believe that You died on the cross and rose from the grave. Please come into my heart and life. Thank you for helping me turn from my sins and follow you. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

If you received Jesus into your heart, welcome to the family of God! The following will help you deepen your relationship with Christ:

1. Pray. Just talk to God no matter where you are. He doesn’t care what the words are, just that they are sincere.
2. Read the Bible everyday to learn about Jesus and how to live that pleases God. Start with 1 John, then the Gospel of John, the Philippians.
3. An important part of helping your relationship with Christ grow is to tell others about Him. Demonstrate God’s love and be active in telling others about Jesus.
4. Find a bible-based church and become active getting to know other Christians. Find one with a singles ministry or groups for people your age. Many have groups for different interests. Shop around, but commit yourself to finding one and joining a church family.

God Bless,
Giselle
E-mail: deovolente.love1@gmail.com
http://www.giselleaguiar.com/
Phoenix Singles Examiner

Combating Loneliness

Being alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely. There is a difference. While aloneness is the state of being by yourself, loneliness is a feeling -- a longing for companionship—a wish not to be alone. The problem is that many consider the terms interchangeable: Being alone automatically means being lonely. This need not be so. If being alone is a fact of your life, then being lonely CAN be minimized.

First, loneliness is not new—it is an age-old condition. While it may not be possible for you to overcome loneliness altogether, lonely experiences can be managed to a point where they actually can be turned into something of value.

Second, know that loneliness is nondiscriminatory. It can attack anyone anywhere. Many married people are lonely. That is the worst kind of loneliness. Many busy, independent people have no time to be lonely, but for others who may have been separated from a partner, loneliness can be a hazard—a fearful thing with which they would rather not have to contend.

If I Close My Eyes, Will It Go Away?
Whether you should tackle loneliness by plunging into work, by getting involved in social activities, by keeping busy, or whether you should confront the nature of your loneliness directly is a critical decision that faces everyone who lives alone.

Unless you learn to deal with loneliness whenever it confronts you, it will only come back to haunt you later –and its impact may be doubled. Many people are so busy running from it, they never stop to identify what it is, exactly, or why it produces such fear.

Phase One: Letting Yourself Experience Loneliness
Learning to deal with loneliness is an art. It may be one of the biggest challenges any of us faces in life.

Face it. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge what you are feeling. The fact is that you can’t do anything to alleviate the problem until you have first recognized what it is that’s troubling you.
Accept it. Knowing that there are times and situations in everyone’s life which produce feelings of loneliness—whether others are willing to admit to this or not. A certain amount of loneliness in one’s life is to be expected. Don’t try to escape it by running away from it. Don’t wallow in panic at the feelings that it produces.

Manage it. Much of the distress and fear of loneliness will be diminished when you can identify what causes the problem and then attempt to modify the conditions that produce your lonely feelings. When you feel lonely for companionship, invite a friend to dinner. Even the suggestion of dining out will brighten your spirits immediately.
Once you identify what it is that makes you feel lonely, you are in a better position to deal with it. Take note of your loneliness when you sense it and try to discover what prompted the feeling. When you can pinpoint the cause of your loneliness, it isn’t hard to find ways to handle it. Often the simplest act can alleviate the problem.

Use it. Transform loneliness into something of value to you. Turn it to your advantage by learning to handle it on your own, thus enhancing your self-reliance—your most important asset as a person alone. Use it as an opportunity to know yourself better, to evaluate your thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Look upon lonely times as opportunities for personal growth rather than as dreadful periods to be suffered through.

Phase Two: Turning Loneliness Around
Maintain a good attitude; have positive expectations. The way you choose to look at something has a direct bearing upon how you will be affected by it.


Take an aggressive approach to your own loneliness problem. Sometimes loneliness can make you feel like you don’t want to do anything. Yet, this is the time when you should start to do something—preferably something you like.

Begin to pursue new, creative, enjoyable activities that do not require the presence of another person. A change of activity can turn your mind. Even if you have only the slightest interest in something, act on it.

Coming to Terms with Loneliness
The battle over loneliness is a battle you may not always win. You may feel crazy, desperate and afraid. However, you can learn to live with loneliness, to overcome it and survive. Be aware that the loneliness problem is really only open to a personal and private solution. There isn’t anyone who can solve it for you. Other people can help, but they can’t do the nitty-gritty work involved in breaking through the loneliness barrier. That you must do.

And remember – you are never alone – God is always with you.

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. ~ Isaiah 28b - 31

If you don't have a relationship with God and Jesus, pray this prayer wholeheartedly right now:
Dear Jesus, I am a sinner and need you in my life. Please forgive me of my sins. I believe that You died on the cross and rose from the grave. Please come into my heart and life. Thank you for helping me turn from my sins and follow you. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

If you received Jesus into your heart, welcome to the family of God! The following will help you deepen your relationship with Christ:

1. Pray. Just talk to God no matter where you are. He doesn’t care what the words are, just that they are sincere.
2. Read the Bible everyday to learn about Jesus and how to live that pleases God. Start with 1 John, then the Gospel of John, the Philippians.
3. An important part of helping your relationship with Christ grow is to tell others about Him. Demonstrate God’s love and be active in telling others about Jesus.
4. Find a bible-based church and become active getting to know other Christians. Find one with a singles ministry or groups for people your age. Many have groups for different interests. Shop around, but commit yourself to finding one and joining a church family. (Read the Benefits of a Church Family).

God Bless,
Giselle
I welcome questions.
E-mail: deovolente_love1@gmail.com
http://www.giselleaguiar.com/
Check out my new column for singles at Phoenix Examiner.com